Dusting myself off and starting all over again

Here we go again!

two weeks

Holy Hannah it's finally going to happen; I still can't believe it. For so long (the last 12 years) I've told myself "when I graduate" or "after graduation". And now? Now that it is actually happening I find myself numb, paralyzed because I can no longer put off what I have continuously put off.

The good side - all my nervousness has led me to lose 3 pounds in a week. The bad - I'm having a party with 40+ people attending and haven't done anything but send out the invites. "please come celebrate my graduation. Oh - would you mind bringing some food and beverages too? Thanks!"

Late last week in a fit of worry and anger (at work) I sent out my resume in response to four different ads. I expected a call or two back. What I didn't expect was that I received "we'd love to interview you" response from all four. Huzzah! Of those 4 - I would reject two of them if they offered me a position. Because sweet Mary - were some of them down right rude. And mean. And not interesting. And.... word to the wise if you're going to interview people for positions -MAKE SURE YOU HAVE QUESTIONS TO ASK THEM. The third interview was done by three middle aged "we've worked here for years and we do things our own way. don't you try coming in here and changing things OR being happy. We hate happy people. PS - your office, as most of the offices here, don't have any windows. PPS - you'd be sharing a cube with the controller for the first year b/c we're running out of room. Hope you don't mind close quarters" won't really appeal to people. But good luck finding someone to take the position.
As I walked out the door I crossed them off my list. A big "whew glad I don't work there!" Only later to be called from the CEO. He wanted to talk to me more about the position. Ohhhkkaayyyy

The job I rejected (the first offer) called me back today. She wants to talk with me about why I rejected it and hopefully can lure me back. "we'll make accommodations" they said.

In other news - I found a lump (another one) in my breast. I had a mammogram done a few years ago. Everything looked a-okay then. But now - now things are looking different. The doctor had initially thought it was nothing but a cyst. She tried to aspirate it but couldn't. Then became concerned and ordered another mammogram. Originally scheduled for this coming Monday but I rescheduled for a week later.

Have I ever mentioned how much of a worrier I am. All powerful, totally all consuming, paralyzed with fear worrier. Guess what I've thought about a lot these weeks? Not only the pressure of finals and getting another job but also possibly cancer. CRAP! S$%&&* F%^&K

jobs

Almost three years ago my mom and I were walking through a neighborhood in the "big city". At the time I was working a crap job, only half way through my education and feeling pretty defeated about life. As we walked past rows of houses my mom questioned ( in a motherly way that cut me to the core) "Houses are so expensive. How are you ever going to afford one?" Choking back tears and anger I replied "I'm not going to be stuck at this job forever; eventually I'll graduate from college and get a better paying job."

Fast forward to a month ago (actually the day after the jerk professor episode in my previous post) I was offered a job that paid 12k more than my mom currently makes. I doubt she remembers our conversation from three years ago but I felt a cold, sick, sense of pride that I was being offered more in an beginning accounting job than she has ever made.

However I turned the job down (for a variety of reasons). I hope and pray I'm making the right decision.

My current employer still wants me to stay "What will it take for you to stay?" was their question last week. It's a great position for me to be in and I'm extremely thankful. But how do I tell them tactfully "a lot more than you can offer"

School is out in three weeks. Boy did I have my doubts that I'd ever make it this far.

Count me down but not out

For the past two years I've had, for the most part, excellent professors. Many of whom are tenured but still have the excitement, zest, and love of teaching like those of first year teachers.

Except Mr. J.

He's old, crotchety, bitterly divorced, arrogant, and loves to see kids fail. He is everything a teacher shouldn't be. One that's in it for the summer vacation and long holidays.

I've been struggling with his class from the beginning. I went to him for help during office hours. Three different visits and he's only been there once. I've emailed him numerous times and he's only resonded once.

I failed the second test.

His response "it's too late to drop the class isn't it? You've already paid your tuition haven't you? Well I guess I'll see you next semester."

No you won't.


I asked for a tutor. He was aghast and then said he'd line up some hours with his assistant. "your TA?" I asked. The one you've never told the class about?
I asked if there would be any extra credit. "yeah, but it probably won't help you that much"

It's as if he wants me to fail.

Not showing up for your office hours. Not answering student emails. Telling students they failed and they might as well throw in the towel now; with 50% of the tests still on the table.

I'm down but I'm not out.

I'll pass his class in December.

If she knew then what she knows now...

I found this picture at my dad's house in a box full of millions of others mixed in with a handmade Christmas card. On it I had written "merry chirstmas Dad. I love you" 8 different times. And then in the middle on the bottom had written "SORRY for spelling CHRISTMAS wrong Dad. I love you"

He keeps everything. And I love that about him.

I'm petting a cat and wearing Oscar the Grouch slippers. Petting a cat (though delicately - check out how I'm barely touching it with my left hand) is serious business b/c I'm deathly allergic to them. Something tells me my brother put me up to this one. "Kate - go outside and pet the feral cat that's wandering through our backyard. And I'll take your picture" Because have you seen the expression on my face?

Better yet I was probably playing outside (my parents were divorced by now and my dad could care less what we wore inside or outside the house- note the plaid shorts and print covered shirt) and I saw the cat, got all excited and my dad said "hold it right there, I'll get a picture. The ER is going to need a "before" image" and then forgot to center me in said picture.

I love this little girl. The one that didn't know her mom was going to marry an asshole of a stepfather who would ruin her childhood. She didn't know then that her own father would need a police escort to pick her and her brother up for visitation b/c the stepfather was crazy and would chase after her dad when he dropped them off on Sundays.

She doesn't know yet that she'll spend a large percentage of time in her room alone watching a small black and white tv during her teenage years. Too afraid of the family room b/c Dave would be there and most likely yell at her for something. Anything. Or demand that she go get him a soda from the fridge or change the channels on the tv. She'll be called stupid, dumb, a selfish bitch, ugly. She'll grow up afraid to speak her mind b/c most likely what's she's thinking is wrong. She'll witness her brother getting beaten by Dave b/c her he chose academia over sports. She doesn't know that her brother will move out when she's in fourth grade and she'll be forced to grow up as the only child. A sole target to his abuse. She'll witness her mom continually being beaten by an uneducated fat ass of a husband and wonder why her mom just doesn't leave. She'll wake up at night to their fighting and fall asleep wishing he would die. And when the fighting gets really bad, she and her brother will hide outside, together underneath a tree promising to take care of each other and planning how they could run away together. She'll graduate early from high school for the sole reason of getting out of the house 6 months sooner. Her mom will apologize over and over and over for the hell she had to go through. And the girl will harbor a resentment towards her mom for years to come.

25 years from that picture the girl still won't understand her mother's reasoning for staying with such a fuckhead. But she'll love her mom the same as she did, if not more than when she was 6.

Aug 19

* A year ago today I started back at the U with excitement and anticipation. Today I start back for my final semester with a sense of dread. I know what it's going to take to make it through the next 16 weeks and I'm so not looking forward to it. Believe you me I'm working on changing my attitude. B/c holy heck if I don't, the next four months will be absolutely miserable.

* Vacation was nice. A little stressful AND way too long (1200 miles too long) but we saw areas of the state that are drop down gorgeous. the days were a balmy 80 and nights dipped into the low 50's. It was divine. We daydreamed and also fought over who can afford to live in the area (idiotic to fight but we had been stuck in the car with each other for 1200 miles - You have to know at some point the crap is going to hit the fan) Houses less than a thousand square feet sell for 1.2 MILLION dollars. You can't fit a family in something that small.
For the record - boyfriend was dead set on it being dot.com millionaires and celebrities. I voted for work-from-anywhere tech employees, doctors, and obviously Realtors.

Next up - a post about the boyfriend's shirt. For whatever reason the older ladies love his (non)P*E*T*A shirt. To the point we had one southern belle chasing us down main street yelling "P*ETA man...Mr P*ETA man.....where y'all get that shirt?"

*Celebrated a friends birthday tonight. I hummed and hawed about going to his dinner. But decided to suck up my selfishness and go. (its the night before school and all I really wanted to do was lay low) But this is the same friend that has offered to host my graduation party as well as be our dd for a wedding next weekend. I couldn't not go.

Finding the trees

“You need to dump him Kate!” she said to me after dinner while waiting for our check. “I know” I responded. “You told me yourself that he’s unmotivated and hasn’t changed. He’s 40” “36” I interject “Regardless, dump him”

She’s a year out of divorce and if she’s anything like me (which she is) she’s holding a grudge over all things male. Understandable. Her sleaze ball of a husband jerked her around like my ex did. I get her and her point.

We’ve been friends for 15 years. She gets me. And there’s something an outsider sees to a relationship that the participants never do. The whole “trees through the forest”. Yeah-yeah. I get it.

But there’s a part of me, the eternal optimist that keeps hoping things will change. He’ll actually give up smoking (like he keeps promising) and he’ll put more effort into finding a job he likes rather than stay at one he puts up with. He’ll get rid of his college roommate that he’s lived with for 10 years and he’ll quit bitching about how much work it needs and finally fix his “fixer upper” house he bought seven years ago.

I know the best indicator of future performance is past performance. But I no longer know what I’m holding on to.