If she knew then what she knows now...

I found this picture at my dad's house in a box full of millions of others mixed in with a handmade Christmas card. On it I had written "merry chirstmas Dad. I love you" 8 different times. And then in the middle on the bottom had written "SORRY for spelling CHRISTMAS wrong Dad. I love you"

He keeps everything. And I love that about him.

I'm petting a cat and wearing Oscar the Grouch slippers. Petting a cat (though delicately - check out how I'm barely touching it with my left hand) is serious business b/c I'm deathly allergic to them. Something tells me my brother put me up to this one. "Kate - go outside and pet the feral cat that's wandering through our backyard. And I'll take your picture" Because have you seen the expression on my face?

Better yet I was probably playing outside (my parents were divorced by now and my dad could care less what we wore inside or outside the house- note the plaid shorts and print covered shirt) and I saw the cat, got all excited and my dad said "hold it right there, I'll get a picture. The ER is going to need a "before" image" and then forgot to center me in said picture.

I love this little girl. The one that didn't know her mom was going to marry an asshole of a stepfather who would ruin her childhood. She didn't know then that her own father would need a police escort to pick her and her brother up for visitation b/c the stepfather was crazy and would chase after her dad when he dropped them off on Sundays.

She doesn't know yet that she'll spend a large percentage of time in her room alone watching a small black and white tv during her teenage years. Too afraid of the family room b/c Dave would be there and most likely yell at her for something. Anything. Or demand that she go get him a soda from the fridge or change the channels on the tv. She'll be called stupid, dumb, a selfish bitch, ugly. She'll grow up afraid to speak her mind b/c most likely what's she's thinking is wrong. She'll witness her brother getting beaten by Dave b/c her he chose academia over sports. She doesn't know that her brother will move out when she's in fourth grade and she'll be forced to grow up as the only child. A sole target to his abuse. She'll witness her mom continually being beaten by an uneducated fat ass of a husband and wonder why her mom just doesn't leave. She'll wake up at night to their fighting and fall asleep wishing he would die. And when the fighting gets really bad, she and her brother will hide outside, together underneath a tree promising to take care of each other and planning how they could run away together. She'll graduate early from high school for the sole reason of getting out of the house 6 months sooner. Her mom will apologize over and over and over for the hell she had to go through. And the girl will harbor a resentment towards her mom for years to come.

25 years from that picture the girl still won't understand her mother's reasoning for staying with such a fuckhead. But she'll love her mom the same as she did, if not more than when she was 6.

Aug 19

* A year ago today I started back at the U with excitement and anticipation. Today I start back for my final semester with a sense of dread. I know what it's going to take to make it through the next 16 weeks and I'm so not looking forward to it. Believe you me I'm working on changing my attitude. B/c holy heck if I don't, the next four months will be absolutely miserable.

* Vacation was nice. A little stressful AND way too long (1200 miles too long) but we saw areas of the state that are drop down gorgeous. the days were a balmy 80 and nights dipped into the low 50's. It was divine. We daydreamed and also fought over who can afford to live in the area (idiotic to fight but we had been stuck in the car with each other for 1200 miles - You have to know at some point the crap is going to hit the fan) Houses less than a thousand square feet sell for 1.2 MILLION dollars. You can't fit a family in something that small.
For the record - boyfriend was dead set on it being dot.com millionaires and celebrities. I voted for work-from-anywhere tech employees, doctors, and obviously Realtors.

Next up - a post about the boyfriend's shirt. For whatever reason the older ladies love his (non)P*E*T*A shirt. To the point we had one southern belle chasing us down main street yelling "P*ETA man...Mr P*ETA man.....where y'all get that shirt?"

*Celebrated a friends birthday tonight. I hummed and hawed about going to his dinner. But decided to suck up my selfishness and go. (its the night before school and all I really wanted to do was lay low) But this is the same friend that has offered to host my graduation party as well as be our dd for a wedding next weekend. I couldn't not go.

Finding the trees

“You need to dump him Kate!” she said to me after dinner while waiting for our check. “I know” I responded. “You told me yourself that he’s unmotivated and hasn’t changed. He’s 40” “36” I interject “Regardless, dump him”

She’s a year out of divorce and if she’s anything like me (which she is) she’s holding a grudge over all things male. Understandable. Her sleaze ball of a husband jerked her around like my ex did. I get her and her point.

We’ve been friends for 15 years. She gets me. And there’s something an outsider sees to a relationship that the participants never do. The whole “trees through the forest”. Yeah-yeah. I get it.

But there’s a part of me, the eternal optimist that keeps hoping things will change. He’ll actually give up smoking (like he keeps promising) and he’ll put more effort into finding a job he likes rather than stay at one he puts up with. He’ll get rid of his college roommate that he’s lived with for 10 years and he’ll quit bitching about how much work it needs and finally fix his “fixer upper” house he bought seven years ago.

I know the best indicator of future performance is past performance. But I no longer know what I’m holding on to.

And that covers this week

This past week I have -

*met up with girlfriends/coworkers from my previous job. (Friday)Always an interesting time and I always leave feeling thankful that I got out of there when I did. One friend even commented "why is it the people that leave the company always look so happy?" Uhm.... I won't even go there.

*Saturday I spent with more friends. One of which found out her ex sleaze ball of a husband was telling lies to everyone that she was g*ay and that's why he left her. WTF?? To which I say Man up and own your actions you cheating asshole. (wow - you think I still have some leftover rage from my own divorce?)
Another friend, who's head of a large division of a world wide computer company asked that I send her my resume and told me "I can get you a job after graduation if you want it"

*Sunday afternoon was spent eating corn dogs and other fried foods while watching "the grand da*ddy of 'em all" rodeo in a neighboring state.

*Tuesday - A friends 32nd birthday. Dinner and drinks with her family.

*Wednesday - Dinner with the BF's parents who are visiting from out of town. I adore them. Love them. They are everything I lacked in my childhood. On our walk around town after dinner I ran smack dab into my boss and his wife. It wouldn't have been a big deal had I not called in sick that day (horrible cramps, bleeding like a shark bite victim, no way was I going in) He was too busy texting some guy to notice me (that and I think he was pretty drunk)

*Thursday - in the office at 6:30 AM to tackle month end that I skipped out on from sick Wednesday. Earn more brownie points with the higher ups. Boss from the night before came up to my office to ask if I felt better. The whole time we were talking I kept thinking "So you really didn't see me? We were less than a foot away from each other. how much did you drink?"

*Friday - Taking my last summer final EVER.

*Saturday - Hiking with my dad

Vacation starts one week from today! Nothing fancy - a road trip to some of this state's most beautiful areas (at least that's what we've been told)